End of Chapter or The starting point (?)

End of Chapter or The starting point (?)

Minggu, 18 Mei 2025 pukul 23.53

Aku mulai berkeinginan untuk menulis/mengetik apa yang kurasakan pada umur pertengahan ini (22). Hal ini didorong oleh perasaanku yang campur aduk saat menerima beberapa fakta yang hadir hari ini di hidupku. Mungkin ini bukan fakta yang seperti apa, ini hanyalah sebuah kenyataan yang akhirnya membangunkanku untuk hidup di duniaku. Kenyataan yang menyadarkanku bahwa tidak ada yang lebih penting dari diriku. Perasaan campur aduk yang meliputi kesedihan, kecemasan, kekecewaan, tidak percaya diri, senang, overthink, dan berbagai emosional serupa persis menyelemutiku saat ini. Dan aku harap dari hal ini, aku bisa hidup lebih tenang, lebih mengkhususkan perhatian kepada diriku, dengan tidak memprioritaskan kebahagiaan orang lain. Bahkan, orang yang ingin kita bahagiakan mungkin tidak ingin berbagi kebahagiaan dengan kita. Ayoo i know that i can handle this thing shortly but maybe its not today. So many shocking reality that come altogethere and yaa, i can't deny all these things like i used to before.

First thing is, my beloved girl that i prioritized the most, that i cared the most in terms of friendship or partner or other relation, she just has an official boyfriend. Afterall that we've been through. I know this was myself mistakes as i do not want take a risk to approach her romanticly. She was my friend, my bestfriend, the one who always be there when i need someone (unexpectedly i cried when i wrote this line). This girl is the reason i want to success, the reason i have to arrange my habit, my behavior, the girl that most of my family like (they've met a few times before). But ya, in reality i still do not have any courage to love her. I just feel that i do not deserve her yet, i know a lot of her stories like A LOT. We've spent many good times together either it on our friends group or it just peer to peer between us personally. I know that in one time we have a same feeling between us but we still prioritize our ego to not talk about it. But am i regret? i dont know. for now, i just feel that i just have to wait and follow the flow what will nature bring to us. how life will give us surprise, how life will lead us at the end of the day. But one thing is certain that i will never release you like NEVER but it will if you choose to marry someone (kinda too far). 

Hi, girl. I'm sorry if you felt that i didn't take an action to approach you. to build a relationship with you. Im sorry if you feel dissapointed to me. The way i always care for you, i always support you, i always am prioritizing you, it because you deserve, you deserve with all this kind things around you. If anything bad happens, please come to me, please tell me, please take shelter with me. i will always welcome you (TBH my eyes cried a lot here). You are a good people like good good. People who got you is a 100% lucky man (but i hope this is me in the future haha).  It's been a long time that i never been crying because of someone. but here it is, you make me cry. its not a tears but i just feel mixed here. I'm happy that u are getting someone that can take care of you directly (not like me who is still want to focus on myself). Im sorry and always sorry if i cannot be someone that deserves you for now (my cried is getting massive now).

Dia orang baik yang selalu menemaniku saat aku membutuhkan seseorang untuk berlindung. Walaupun cerita hubungan kami sangat complicated tapi i feel that we have a special relationship between us. Dia dengan segala cerita orang lain yang banyak mendekati dia dan some of them melalui aku. its because we are bestie. I dont know, when is this feel start rising. Dia yang mungkin mengetahui ceritaku saat berjuang untuk karirku, untuk pendidikanku, cerita mengenai pertemananku, dan bahkan cerita mengenai keluargaku. Dia mungkin satu satunya orang yang banyak mengenalku. Keluargaku sangat welcome dengannya. begitu juga sebaliknya, aku sering bertemu dengan keluarganya pada saat formal ataupun tidak. Orang terpenting di hidup kita baik itu pertemanan ataupun keluarga dan mungkin mantan juga saling mengenal denganku. 

Hari ini, kita bertemu di ruma coffee kemang untuk merayakan ulang tahun salah satu kerabat kita. Setelah lama tidak berjumpa bersama, akhirnya kita bertemu dengan ceritanya masing masing. But, why yaa even kita satu kota, rasanya kita sangat jauh, sibuk dengan dunia kita sendiri. I HATE JAKARTA. Saat ini aku mendengar dari pembicaraannya ke aku bahwasanya nanti setelah meet up ini dia mau bertemu "teman" nya. then long story short this is the boy that become her boyfriend right now. i asked her a lot of question about him. it because i cared to her, i want she got someone who deserves she as i cannot be that man right now. I always said to myself and some of my close friend that i love so much this girl but i still dont have any courage to make her to be my girlfriend (either is not my style or etc). i love her but if she chooses to be someones girlfriend i will accept it 100%. it because her happiness is my top priority. Maybe right now in this phase of time, im not the best for her so i accept it. Im not saying that i support their relationship but i feel calm because she has someone to talk to, she has someone that can take care of her directly (they work in same office), she has someone that she can go to lunch with, she has someone to hear her stories, and i am happy for it. please dont hurt this girl, it will hurt me too and maybe the hurt that i got is more than she felt. because i love her to the moon and back. please remind her to drink water, please take care her when she is sick, please accompany her when she need someone, accompanies her when she sleeps late night, please support her of what she do, please dont HURT her. i feel so naive right now that i want someone taking care of her but at the same time i cannot be that person. its sad tho. (praise: please good carrer comes to me forward, so i feel confident to take care her).

Hey you, focus on your goal yaaaa. i will focus on mine as well and i hope at the future we can be together again like we used to. Just now, i just delete my favourite wallpaper (our photo) that she put it in my phone when we were in college. I did that because i want to respect your relationship with others. it feels so sad tho cause i just feel that i have no one right now that i can focus on my attention with. but yaa thats life, all this must've been thru i know im strong to pass all of this. 

makasih kamu sudah pernah menerima aku dan lingkunganku, kita pernah foto bareng waktu wisuda like aku dengan mamaku dan temen2ku kita berfoto formal. kita banyak melakukan hal berdua dan i love all that. nanti aku akan menambahkan beberapa foto yang sangat aku suka yang berhubungan di antara kita. nanti aku sambung yaaa, byeeee.